We asked people to anonymously submit their funny, weird and downright embarrassing sex stories. From funny noises to messy situations and even condom confusion, here is a selection of the stories we chose to publish:
I’m a bisexual woman, but up until I was 21 years old, I had only explored the femme part of my sexuality. I started hooking up with this guy and I felt completely out of my depths. I knew I needed to wear a condom, but the only condoms I had said “PRIDE” across them in rainbow letters: yup, even my condoms were gay. So we’re gettin’ frisky and we’re basically naked and I stop him and let him know I need a condom to continue. He was 100 percent in support of this, and asked where I kept my condoms. Like a good lesbian, condoms were funny décor in my house, not something I’d ever have to use. So I had to get up and dig around in my desk, totally ruining the mood, before I found one. I gave it to him, got under him, and said, “Well? Put it on!” He was already soft. Which I knew, but didn’t know was a problem. He laughed and started kissing me and I stopped him and said, “No, put it on!” He stopped, laughed, and said, “there are certain… things that need to happen for this.” Whoops. So sex education not only failed me by completely ignoring lesbian sex, but I am a sexual, 21 year old that had no idea a dude had to be hard before putting a condom on.
My high school boyfriend and I were pretty inexperienced. So for the first time I tried to give him a hand job, I just sorta lightly petted it for like 45 minutes. He was so embarrassed that he couldn’t finish, he cried and took me home.
Flashback to my first serious relationship in high school. I had never done anything below-the-belt sexual, and my then-boyfriend knew I was nervous about it. We were hanging out at my house one day during the summer when he calls me to come into the other room. I turn the corner, and there he is, basketball shorts down, just showing off his penis. I was so shocked and dumbfounded I started uncontrollably laughing – my dad even called several minutes later, and I couldn’t get a word out because I was still hysterically laughing.
I once had just finished having sex with my boyfriend in my room that we rented from my mom. Unfortunately my sister and brother both lived there as well. My sister, shortly after we finished, knocked on my door. Not thinking twice I pulled the door open. My sister took one look at me and started laughing. I forgot that he came on my sheets and smeared it around and I forgot it dries white.
My boyfriend and I were having sex doggy style and when he pulled out, I queefed really loudly. I was super embarrassed and as a result, started crying, which made the situation even more awkward. I had to leave shortly after that so he walked me to my car and when we were outside I queefed AGAIN. Flustered initially, I proceeded to say “It’s just like air inside, like a vagina fart,” to which he laughed and said it’s not a big deal. I realized after this that sex is messy and sometimes noisy and not perfect and as soon as you realize this, you can shed the embarrassment, focus on the fun stuff, and enjoy ALL aspects of sex.
One time my boyfriend came in my eye. A big wad of cum in my eye. While at my parents’ house for the holidays. We both laughed about it over a bowl of cereal afterward, despite the irritation in my eye.