Over my vast 22 years of existence, I have been a piercing aficionado for 15 of them. My mom took me to Claire’s to get my ears pierced when I was the ripe old age of seven, and the sound of that piercing gun was the start of something new: my Rebellious Stage. Everyone who says piercings don’t hurt is lying to you, and I have 13 of them to prove it. Here is a ranking (not including anything that can be hidden in underwear because this is the internet and my mom reads my stories come on) of the most painful places to shove needles into your body, from most to least painful:
- Nipple Piercings: You’re Going To Wish You Were Dead
The piercings themselves hurt worse than any tattoo I’ve ever gotten. I’m pretty good with pain, but after my piercer shoved a needle through my first nipple I thought I was going to black out and I got so sweaty my back turned into a real life slip-n-slide (how am I single???). Then, comes the bad part. Throbbing, stinging, and general achiness followed for about three hours after the piercing. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The next day, they were pretty much done hurting completely – thank Goddess. If you clean it three times a day, every day, you’re fine. But if you skip a couple cleanings a few months down the road, you get crusty nipples. Have you ever heard of anything less appealing than crusty nipples?
- Tongue: Everything Is Bad
I have never gotten my tongue pierced because my dad told me I would get cancer (definitely not Fake News) but Bottle Bitch Thalia Amill has!
“Absolutely everyone that I talked to told me the healing process of getting a tongue piercing was the worst, most painful body modification they’ve done. But for me, putting that needle through my tongue and feeling the muscle rip was the worse. Healing was easy. I was swollen but I just ate icees and tried not to talk too much. Just make sure you won’t be giving any big speeches or taking any important pictures for roughly two weeks after you get it done!”
- Second Nose: Fuck This
THIS SHIT. If you have an average or small sized nose, you just don’t have space for this much metal in one nostril. The first night after I got the piercing done, this piece of metal ripped through my poor bloody nose hole like the chestburter from Alien.
- Septum: Looks Much Harder Than It Is
Septrum piercings make you look hard as hell, but the actual piercing is pretty easy. Mine healed in a matter of days, and the actual needle through nose issue isn’t that bad.
- Belly Button: Don’t Be a Baby, You’re Fine
Again, didn’t get this done. In comes Thalia.
“Being a stomach sleeper was the worst part of getting this piercing because I couldn’t do that for a while without being in pain. Getting the piercing itself was only slightly painful, but it was a quick process to go through. My healing process took longer than the norm because my body rejecting the piercing for a while. But everyone’s different. Just make sure you clean it properly!!
- Tragus: The Pop Is The Worst
This actual piercing is pretty low on the pain-o-meter, but you’ll hear the “pop” sound the needle makes when it breaks through that pretty tough and thikk piece of cartilage and that kinda made me want to end it all. The healing process was incredibly quick – I’m talking like less than a week for me.
- Cartilage, Rook and Conch: Hope You Have Some Time
Really pretty painful, and it takes for GOD DAMN FOREVER for this shit to heal. I took my rook and conch out after a year because they still weren’t healed, and my cartilage, that I got maybe three years ago, still acts up on occasion.
- Nose: You’re Gonna Cry But It Isn’t Your Fault
I got my nose pierced when I was 16. Everyone’s eyes tear up, but only because it’s your nose and that’s what bodies do. It isn’t that bad.
- Ear Lobe: If You Cry, You’re Weak AF
They literally do this to babies calm down. I have five different lobe piercings and all of them were cake.
Christianna is an adventurous, optimistic feminist who can hold her own in a few topics: politics, music, baking and books. At a party, you can find her consoling the hostess’s pets and sipping a gin and tonic.
Thalia is a modern day Wednesday Addams: rarely smiling and dark clothes, but with great eyebrows, lipstick, and a love for One Direction. In her free time, she can be found inside avoiding the sun with a glass of Rosa Regale, probably either touching up her nose contour or adding more color to her hair to make herself resemble a peacock.